Afterword

What Matters…

“What matters ain’t who’s baddest,
It’s the ones that keep you from fallin’ off your
ladder.”

~ The Heavy’s “Short Change Hero” ~

“Lady, I’m Tolstoy.”

On a cold January night in 2021, a pissed-off muse with his heavenly lover in tow barged into my mind, pointed a commanding finger at me and said, “Siddown, start typin’. We’ve got a story to tell.”

Something happened, then, I did not expect. It wasn’t long before it became apparent: he intended to prove in minute, painstaking detail, he’s no beach read.

That day, a story unlike anything I’ve ever read began telling itself to me—through me—and I have to write it down. A hard, broken, untravelled road has been my constant companion since the moment I wrote this story’s first words. I’ve stumbled, made mistakes, endured the worst social immolation of my life—one whose scars I still carry. Taken the wrong fork, then found the right one, only to find myself staring down the barrel of a daunting sixty-two thousand word incline before I could even start telling the story proper. It begins in earnest in Chapter Five.

Lev Nikolayevich (Leo) Tolstoy’s War and Peace has been counted at five-hundred-eighty-seven thousand, two-hundred-eighty-seven words. The release of Tread Softly and Off The Deep End marks the eighty thousand word point of this estimated one and a half million word epic, projected to be told in seven books, each with its own distinctly themed story arc.

Writing a story like this takes… someone somewhat out of the ordinary (read: unhinged). That by itself, isn’t enough.

No one accomplishes something like this alone.

Throughout struggling to get this far, what mattered, what kept me on my feet, kept me writing, kept bills paid and a roof over my head when I was desperate, was found family. Fandom friends who didn’t abandon or shun me in the face of something terrible happening. People who cared enough to listen before judging, and chose to form friendships that have lasted to this day.

The people who thought it might be worth taking another chance on me with a fandom event, even if it didn’t turn out in the end. People who apologized. Those who made an effort to include me once they realized something had gone very wrong, and those who’ve showed interest in everything I’ve teased and previewed from the story during the last four years. The Lucifer beta who casually dropped news of Castiel’s confession into a Discord writer’s circle and by sheer dumbass luck, brought me to these beautiful bastards and their love story. Those who’ve waited for four years. The people whose paths crossed mine in just the last few weeks and offered to help support me to the end of this leg of the marathon.

Every artist who’s enthusiastically allowed me to borrow their work for digital editions of the story I will never put behind a paywall. These editions are free for the fandom to share with whomever they choose as if they could snap their fingers and magically duplicate a paper copy of a liked—dare I say? Loved—book. Someone who can’t afford a trip to the bookstore doesn’t deserve to experience this less than someone who can.

I owe these people a considerable debt of gratitude.

I don’t have to list names. They know who they are.

Behind the scenes, I’ve walked a razor thin edge for four years, skirting malnutrition and playing chicken with homelessness. The amount of time it takes to accomplish something like this—according to a beta who’s seen me work—is “incredible”. This person hasn’t even seen the ongoing information gathering that’s going into the project. Watching the series and taking meticulous notes. Trawling the fandom for scraps of information, analysis, theories, and sometimes prompts (looking at you, Bob Wess) that have helped the story become as rich in detail as it is and will continue to be. Creating a custom searchable digital library for it all, as well as the myriad puzzle pieces of the story I’ve written in the last four years that have not, in any way, allowed themselves to be written in some kind of neat and tidy, start-to-finish order.

Creating three digital editions with Alt Text and Text-to-Speech accessibility built in. I’m hoping to one day record an audio book.

There’s so much more I won’t bore you with.

I’m one imperfect person doing the lion’s share of work that’s done by a team when a book or television season gets published or broadcast, supported thus far by volunteer betas I’m thoroughly grateful for.

Some things you see in Dean’s experience of growing up in poverty—nothing of the worst things, I promise—feel so viscerally real because I’ve seen it and recorded it. Used fiction to tell you the truth.

This isn’t a story I can strip identifying names from and publish. Ever. If I’m not telling the story of Dean, Castiel, Sam, Eileen, Charlie, Stevie, Donna, Jody, Benny, Garth, and The Next Generation of Hunters and Letters who will live and learn in “The Bat Cave”, there’s no story to tell. I’ll die penniless and rot in the ground before I take Dean and Cas’ story away from them, again. It’s their story. Not mine. I’m just the messenger.

It’s a story I’ll write, no matter how rough the road ahead is. Though, I’m not certain I can finish anytime soon without help.

I’ve asked for all the support I ever should from those who’ve kept my head above water this far. They’ve been here for me better than my family by blood. Now that Tread Softly, the brick wall standing between me and a number of chapters that are already written, is released, it’s time to look to this story’s readers. The Supernatural Fandom Family knows better than any other: when many, many people work together and chip in a little, incredible things become possible.

If you feel like you’ve read the first volume of a story you’d gladly walk into your local book store to buy, and would, perhaps, buy the remaining volumes for years to come if you like the story well enough, I’m thankful for it.

If you’ve got my back, I can go the distance. ;)

You can find me on Ko-Fi or, if you prefer to skip the internet’s various middlemen and associated fees, by e-transfer at pandorakiin@proton.me. No contribution is too small, and each and every one, deeply appreciated. As with any other transaction, your personal information is safe with me.

THANK YOU, for coming along on this odyssey with me.

~ Pandora

P.S. If there is enough interest in the story, there are three people in the fandom I would entrust with back ups of the entirety of the rough work and the spaces I've used to manage writing it should something untimely happen to me. If they accept, they would be tasked with publishing every last letter of what I manage to accomplish. I will do my best to ensure you never have to wonder how this story would have finished. The last word on the last page is already written. My task now is to knit together what comes in between.

“If you could read my mind, love, what a tale my thoughts could tell.”

~ Gordon Lightfoot’s “If You Could Read My Mind” ~

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Pandorakiin

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